Originally Posted by confuego116

Tell what you like and don't like.
Thank you


The lights were flashing red and blue, and the whole neighborhood could hear the loud noise that echoed. (Maybe a stronger adjective than "loud"?) The fireworks soared high in sky as the cops hurried quickly from the car towards us. (Try "police" instead of "cops") Tonight was supposed to be a night of glaring lights that lit up the sky, hot dogs, and a good time with friends remembering how our great country was formed. Unfortunately, for us, we were in for the night of our lives. (Consider removing ", for us,")

Sitting on the cul-de-sac bored out of our minds, the neighborhood kids struggled to come up with a plan to feed our boredom. ("feed our boredom" doesn't make sense, use a different word, perhaps "escape" or "defeat") Eureka! It happened in a flash, an idea was born, fireworks. Year after year, we had collected a steadily increasing stash of good quality fireworks, with what little money we had.(Change "good" to "high") Not those lame fountains found everywhere, the big boys. I'm talking about blackcats, cherry bombs, roman candles, the list goes on forever.(I don't like these last two sentences, but they do add a bit of voice to the essay) With the new idea in mind, our minds began to soar with imagination. Oh, the possibilities! Shoom! Crack! The sky lit up as bright as the sun, and as colorful as the sunset right before dark.("sun, and" should read "sun and" remove the comma) We knew it was time to stop before our light suddenly faded, but it was our consciences that lost the fight.(I'm not sure what you're trying to say there. Consider rewording) Now was time to do or die. The finale of our masterpiece. The mortars. Boom! The first explosion caused the ground to shake with trepidation as the sirens could be heard steadily moving towards the noise.

The cops sped in at a frightening speed, and all I could do was freeze in fear as the world around me turned upside down.(Remove comma "speed,") People running in all directions.(That is a fragment. "People ran in all directions is correct.) Some hid in the woods, and others went inside.(Another comma you don't need.) Suddenly, my friends voice broke the fear that overtook me, and I began to rush with him towards his house to hide. (You can remove all the commas in this sentence.)Frantically, we entered the house searching for anything that could keep us from the blinding lights of their cars. Finally, we found a spot to ease our minds, and began to hope this madness would end as quickly as it began.(Definitely remove the second comma. I'm not sure about the first.) Why did I have to listen to my friends, not my conscience?(Consider "Why did I have to listen to my friends rather than my conscience?) Unfortunately, despite our strongest desire to be free at last, the doorbell rang. Every bone in my body began to shake with fear at this point. Off sheer adrenaline, we ran towards the only safe place left, the back door leading to the woods. (Change "off" to "on". Remove all commas and have the end of the sentence read "safe place left which was the back door leading to the woods. You may want to reword this as the back door wasn't the safe place. The woods were.)

Smack! The door closed, and we ran as fast as we could to hide under some big trees.("Big" is another weak adjective) The cop must've heard the noise because he came to search the woods.(Change "cop" to "police officer") Our luck had run out, and now we hid under the supporting branches just waiting to be picked off by the bird of prey.(remove the comma) We could hear his footsteps as he steadily, but surely, moved towards us.("surely" isn't usually used to describe how someone is walking. Consider rewording.) With every step my heart beat faster. He drew nearer and nearer. Until suddenly,by some supernatural force watching over us, he stopped and turned around heading towards the car. The mere seconds it took for him to get to his car seemed like hours to us. Finally, he was gone.(Remove comma) We were free at last!

My veins were ice as I walked away from the events that unfolded. My mind began to wander about what could've happened if I was caught. The rattling of my cup on the jail cell as my whole life passed me by because of one stupid mistake.(Saying your whole life will pass in jail because of that is hyperbole and I don't mean that in a good way. You should reword.) Never again.(Fragment)

Originally Posted by confuego116

some of the sentences are intended to be fragments for emphasis. its a type of style. however, i suppose you are correct, and the topic is a significant experience that happened to you.

Originally Posted by jebadiah the wise man

Another thing: You're not good enough at writing to do this.

Originally Posted by Burdock`

It sounds like the police chased you for letting fireworks off on the 4th July.. ?

What?

Originally Posted by confuego116

if you don't try you'll never get better. no need to be a jerk

Also, if you say I'm bad at writing, which I'm not denying, then how do I need to change my story to use this type of style?.

Originally Posted by Pkpkpk

I'm no professional but I think it'd sound better?
From
"drew nearer and nearer. Until suddenly,by some supernatural force"
To
"drew nearer and nearer until suddenly,by some supernatural force"

Also
From
"We were free at last!"
To
Something better. Can't pinpoint what. Our hearts stopped pounding and we got back ... idk but what you have is just said too much.. boring.

The rest is good, i like the story. Little dramatic though? Your whole life depending on this? Hardly.

Originally Posted by confuego116

Thanks for the input. I think I'll try some of this.
For the dramatic part, is it a little cliche you think?

For reference to others: This is the type of response I'm looking for. Something productive.

Originally Posted by jebadiah the wise man

If has anything to do with my criticisms please keep in mind that I proofread and corrected your entire essay.

Originally Posted by I Bleed Duke Blue

Originally Posted by confuego116

yes, it definitely inhibited my writing , and the deadline is january 1st I think? I'm applying to UVA.