First off I am normally a normal user here on Sythe but I don't care for every one to know about these issues so I have logged off my account and have hopped on a proxxy for my identity to be secure. Any way....
Over the past couple years I have thought about suicide a lot. Life just doesn't seem to be important or just as fun as it used to be. A few years ago if you asked me how I liked life I would have responded "I love life and all my friends." Recently thought I have been thinking about a lot of different things such as religion, family, friends and money. After thinking about these things I realized that honestly my friends are nice and cool but in hard situations they almost never stick up for me. I feel as if it's a one way relationship where I help them out but just get laughed at in return. I really don't see the purpose of it all. Then I look at my pitiful family. My parents only keep me because they are christians and are trying to get me some where in life but honestly when I go to college I doubt they are going to care that much more about me... I was always the "hated" one of the 4 of us kids...
Since I didn't/ don't think I will get any where far in life with my family and friends I turned to runescape a few years ago. It was kind of a substitute to take the place of the pain I was feeling in life from not receiving any love from others. It worked for a while but then after getting banned I was lost and more hurt then ever. I then came over here to Sythe and tried to make a place for my self and try to feel like I mattered some where. Boy was I wrong... So far Sythe has only left me with hurt and pain. I have a few friends here but no one that really cares about me. I have done a lot of work here and it never seems appreciated. I don't even know why I'm still here to be honest. Although I did learn some things while here on Sythe. I learned that people when you really get down to it are heartless and in the end do whats best for them selves. Like honestly look at your self or look at one of your "friends" here on sythe and ask your self. Would they really fly over to where I am or go out of their way to help you? Chances are the answer would be no. So my time at Sythe has kind of been a waste, doesn't mean I'll leave just yet though.
Next I turned to money. I thought "Well rich people seem to have it nice I should try that route." I can't tell you how many hours I spent looking for some good ways to make money and then to use that money to cover up the pain I was feeling in life. Like before I was successful for a while and even managed to make a few thousand dollars a day. I then realized that just made my friends lie to me that much more because they just cared about money. I then stopped with all money efforts and now had fake friends and no one that actually gave a shit about me.
My parents are christian and I have been brought up in a christian life style. I figured well they say God is always with you so I guess I can try to turn to him. Well simply put I never heard any thing back from him. That lead me to questioning my faith. I looked around a lot and never really found a good reason why he does exist. I asked several people and one of them told me "Have you died? Do you know any one who has died and seen him for them self?" That made me think about it and now I don't know if I really call my self a christian any more.
So now we come to today, I have tried all possible suggestions and options to have a good life. That's honestly all I want. To feel like I have real friends and a place in this world. I look around and I think? Why study? Why spend my time helping others? You just end up dieing in the end. What did you really accomplish in your life time? That's about when suicide started creeping into my head. What should I stay and endure the pain? What good has it caused me? Why should I keep living in this world where you gain nothing good or lasting?
At the moment I am sitting down pretty much to the point of tears. There is a bottle of pills just 10 feet away and I know that if I just chug them I can just end the torture. I don't want to kill my self but I just don't see a reason to stay here and suffer. I am seriously at the end of the road. I don't know where to go and just taking a quick chug seems like the easy way out. I'm lost and confused and just don't see a reason any more. Betrayed by my friends and don't have any where to go. Suicide doesn't' sound so bad. I don't really know what I'm going to achieve by writing this but its just a place where I can vent. I have dealt quite at home here on Sythe even though not many people care about me and I have those who hate me. This may be my last time on sythe. I really don't know any more. Life is just a long and torturous road that never gets better. Maybe dieing will at least take me to a place where I don't have to go through the daily tortures.
If you bothered to read all of this please leave a comment of what I do. I dont' even know if I'll see it or not. Just to much pain to care any more.
A few songs that have made me think about life, the lyrics really make you think:
Blink 182- Adam's song - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rz6zMGB8C7I
Matchbox Twenty- How far We've Come - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sSbz9su2jUg
Sum 41- Walking Disaster - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdB2cSd0qPM